I was chatting with my brother yesterday, and he shared with me that in the best music lesson he ever had, his instructor said, "Try softer."
This is a phrase I hope to never forget.
Try Softer.
In couples therapy, "try" is a big deal. Folks aren't coming (at least at first) to talk about the fun stuff. They have to "try" to show up.
Then they have to "try" to tolerate the complaints being listed about them, they have to "try" not to be defensive, they have to "try" to listen, and so on. It's a lot of "try." And it's often a lot of muttering the phrase, "I need to try harder at that."
It seems we are all conditioned on a particular way of "TRYING," and it's usually the opposite of soft (and it usually gets us the opposite of soft from the other person/animal).
When we are in fight/flight (triggered), there is a certain sense in our bodies and minds - we feel urgent, tense, relentless, black and white, and rigid. When we are regulated, there is also a felt sense of that in our bodies and minds - we feel open, curious, nuanced, patient, playful, and SOFT.
"I'm trying!!!!" is a phrase often shouted by an exasperated partner who feels they are seeking to meet a partner's needs, but it's not enough. This "I'm trying!!!" is the fight/flight reaction, not the Try Softer version.

If we slow down, in all our relationships, in all our interactions with people and animals (horses!) enough to know when our "try" is the triggered fight/flight reaction versus the whoops, I am tense/rigid/certain/urgent/etc, let me be self-compassionate, surrender, reset, slow down, TRY SOFTER and not "try harder", I think we would all find an easier road.
Where in your life could you try softer?
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