Making the Choice
Your partner/friend/child/ comes to you upset. It's big. It's animated. Your brain and body are scanning are receiving the energy and the words. Wait! No!! You brace - that's not right, it's not true, I didn't.....and it begins. You defend, they maybe blame, maybe you up the ante in your defense, and on and on.
It's a painful cycle we have often learned to embody in our childhood, in our interactions with adults, and in watching the exchange of the adults around us.
The thing about being relational is that we have to make a choice. If someone comes to us in a moment of upset/hurt/pain/ we have a simple and challenging choice; Am I in service of me right now, or am I in service of them?
Perhaps it's been a hard long day. Maybe it's a hard long day after many weeks of long hard days. You are in no place to be in service of someone else. It's ok to say, "I see you are upset. I love/care about/etc. you. I wish I could hear and support you right now. But, unfortunately, I cannot without getting defensive. Can I please hear your feedback at (and name the day and approx time)?"
But, if you can be present - if you have the resource and want a deep connection with this person, you choose to serve them in that moment. Serving them means I am willing to be here and present to listen and understand you and your feelings. I have my reality of what may have happened, which is likely different from yours. My reality isn't essential in this upset moment. I am here to listen to yours, understand your feelings, empathize and repair if needed. I am not doing these things because I did something wrong but because I want this person to feel empathy, care, and love even when I think they may be (let's face it - totally and utterly) dead wrong. But the answer to "Who is right" is "Who cares." You may win the fight, but you sure lose connection which is the most painful loss we often know.
Choosing "Who Am I in Service of in this moment" takes practice but often changes everything.
So how do we make it easier for the other in a relationship to meet us in hearing us? One tool I love is the feedback wheel. It works like this;
Person A asks Person B if they are available for feedback. Person B considers -- Am I in a place to be in service of Person A right now. Maybe I am not, perhaps I'm triggered by our interaction, too, and I'll be defensive. If so, Person B says, I'm so sorry, I cannot support you and hear you now. Can I hear your feedback at X time and place? Person A then takes care of themself, gets support elsewhere, etc.
If Person B says YES, please, I'm here for you then;
Person A offers two sentences or less on each of the following;
- The recap as if someone were observing movie style what just happened i.e., "When you came in the room, and I tried to speak to you, I saw that you did not respond and picked up your phone. You then walked away and went into the kitchen."
- The feeling this brought up; "I noticed that it made me feel dismissed and sad. I was reminded of my family dynamic, and that triggered me."
- The ask starts with "Are you willing"; ie, "Are you willing to come up with a code word with me when you do not realize that I am feeling dismissed so that we can pause and connect?
A hug would feel good at those times."
THREE sentences or less. What you saw, how it felt, what you'd like.
Person B is not prosecuting, defending, arguing, or explaining. Instead, they are hearing with empathy the experience of Person A, knowing it is what happened for them regardless of their intent, and checking out the request to see if it's doable.
If the request is doable, it might look like, "Yes, thank you so much for sharing this feedback. I never want you to feel ignored. However, I am willing to be reminded if I'm making you feel that way. Would you like a hug now?"
If the request is not doable, a response might look like "Thank you for sharing your feedback. I am unsure if I can meet the request, but I want to support what you need. How about........ Or, Could we come up with a solution that works for both of us?"
The feedback wheel often works because there is no unbridled self-expression, blame, defense, or attack. Instead, the structure, brevity, clarity, and ask for solution/change make it possible for mutual goodwill and connection to be part of the solution.
Give it a spin!
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